he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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