As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
