she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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