I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
