Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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