apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
