I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
