alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
