pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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