My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
