I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
