I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
