the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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