bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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