I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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