Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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