ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
