dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
