Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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