youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
