So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
