I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize