Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
