we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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