I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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