Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
no you cant smoke seaweed
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
