Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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