We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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