She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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