i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
