im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize