When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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