the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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