Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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