Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
