before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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