I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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