i just had sex bonerless
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
