I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
