Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
