I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
