I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
