Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
