FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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