I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
