I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
