So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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