see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
