im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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