the condom got lost in my hair
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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