You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
