a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
