I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
