I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
