My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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