i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
