got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
