I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
