I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
